There has always been talk, thanks to several real-life situations, movies, and I'm sure that little Free Love movement back in the 60's, about being "just friends" or being "more than just friends". "Do you like him? Or do you like like him?" We've all heard it before. So let's really look at this. If you are confused between whether or not you simply "like" your best friend or if you just might "like like" him or her, I am about to attempt the impossible by trying to categorize what qualifies as "just friends: you like them" or "more than friends: you like like them"...wish me luck here, and no flying vegetables, please.
First, maybe I should discuss the influences that can stir up the feelings that bring this confusing "like like" situation into play. I blame two sources: whoever created old cliches, and the media (as always). There is an old phrase that says that boys and girls can never be best friends and stay "just friends", and the media supports this with fervor--"Valentine's Day", for a very recent example, showed innumerable relationships blossoming, failing, maturing, becoming more honest, what have you, but what was the scenario for the main character, Ashton Kutcher (designated as such simply because he and his female counterpart were the connecting factors for nearly all the stories)? Upon discussing relationships with Mario Lopez, he was given the response to his question of how Mario had made his relationship work so well of "That's easy! I married my best friend!" Hollywood loves to do that "it's the girl/boy who was always there for you, but you never thought to consider the fact that you might love them" thing, and that can sometimes happen in real life, too. My parents started out as best friends, and things just sort of fell into place for them after that, but not everyone is going to get that specific fairy tale.
Now let's discuss the feelings themselves. Here are some criteria I've noticed that seem to describe a best friend: You've known this person for a long time. You're comfortable around them. You don't have to change parts of your personality to fit them. They fit into your life well. You may or may not have noticed how attractive they are or aren't in your opinion due to not having thought of it before now. They are reliable. They text or call you to invite you places, instead of you always having to do all the planning work in the friendship. You have found yourself singing around them with little to no regard of how they might judge your talents--that probably never even crossed your mind to begin with! You enjoy enough of the same things to get along, but you disagree on enough subjects to sustain stimulating and entertaining arguments with each other. When you are around them, you honestly feel free venting because they'll listen, and you can listen to them without making the conversation about you because they already know enough of your past to know that you understand. You really do forget that infuriating fight you had with another friend or an ex-boyfriend or boyfriend, and it just doesn't seem to mean anything to you anymore. You mentioned something hours, days, months, years ago, and today something pertaining to that subject happened causing your friend to look at you and you to nod before he or she has to say anything, to which he or she simply nods his or her understanding, and the two of you move on.
That, my friends, is a best friend.
But how many people do you think would tell you that you two must love each other without realizing it? And how many of us would stop and think, "Well, huh, maybe they're right. Maybe I'm one of those lucky people who gets the adorable fairy tale..."
But what if we're just letting what others say get into our heads, and hidden emotions are really not the case right now, and you two give it a shot, and it doesn't work, and you're left with a ruined friendship that had been such a comfort to you before? Then I bet you'd be smashing your head against a wall... I know I would...
While this has yet to be scientifically confirmed, I would classify this as "just friends: you like them". Give it a few years, and see how you feel when you're a bit older and have made a few more mistakes with significant others whose loss don't leave such an everlasting sting on your heart before you put a once-in-a-lifetime best friendship on the line. Leave the fantasies for Hollywood. No one gets hurt in dreams, but reality may be a bit different in many cases. I'm not saying it will never happen, but I am saying that I think you should be without any doubts when gambling something as precious as a best friendship.
Now, for those of you who get butterflies in your stomach, and can't breathe due to a pounding heart, and think about this recently introduced guy or girl 24/7. To you I say, get out a bit more. Attempt to hang out with this object of your affections on a more friendly basis before you go diving head-first into a relationship. Dating used to be very popular. It made "going steady" a gesture of honesty and importance. Going steady said, "even though there were no strings and good, clean fun before, I'd like to take that step into Commitment-land and show you how special I think you are...maintaining the good, clean fun part, of course..." Nowadays, dating is seen as trashy and indecisive. For all the positive things that have been distorted and tainted into something unethical, yet no longer taboo, that society now urges us to accept regardless of morals, dating seems to have gone the opposite route. It was harmless and safe, mostly because people didn't have sex ASAP, which I will blatantly tell you I do NOT agree with, no matter what society says these days.
In my honest opinion, I wish we all had a best friend that we could safely fall in love with for the rest of our lives without losing the precious bliss of friendship, but I know that people are beautifully complicated deep inside, and that makes it much more difficult than, "You're my best friend--let's get married!".
Tread softly, dear readers. Don't lose something wonderful when you have plenty of time to find that Certain Someone. Who knows who you'll meet tomorrow? But don't forget who is important now and pretty much always has been. Don't forget the happiness that you have because of your history, and use it to consider your best decisions for the future. Can you not live without this person? Would you be devastated if they left you? Then I urge you to wait. If it is meant to be, by the time you two realize, beyond doubt, that you are meant to be "more than just best friends," when you find that you both "like like" each other to the point that you may even love each other, you'll have even more inside jokes and memories to fuel your lives together and keep you close for that Happily Ever After that we all desperately search for. And if it's not meant to be, you'll find someone to love and have your best friend as well. Bonus! Right?
So, in conclusion (and here's where the flying vegetables might take flight), I hate to sound like a Magic 8 Ball, but..."Only time will tell...Ask yourself again later..." ;)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Generally "Best Friends"...
There is a funny little generalization out there that explains how everyone in each group of friends has a specific role, and that these roles are standard in every group: the tomboy, the tough one, the wuss, the risk taker, the joker, the beauty, the nerd, etc... Sure, this is sometimes true, and that's fine because these characters can coalesce, but what about the two members of the group who are even closer friends, even, and perhaps especially, in the absence of the others?
See, it's been my personal experience as well as my observation of others that these two people eventually fall into two very specific roles themselves: the leader, and the follower. The astounding part is that these two individuals can be extraordinarily independent and defined people in any situation until a conflict with their "best friend" counterpart occurs. In such a situation, a status quot that was devised somewhere near the beginning of the friendship is put into effect, and one friend releases their frustration while the other makes a feeble attempt to argue their point, eventually giving in to avoid possible friendship-traumatizing resentment. Nothing is ever settled, and this becomes a vicious circle that has the horrible habit of leading to the eventual termination of the friendship, and not on the best of terms.
I can't be the only one to have witnessed or experienced this, and I have played both rolls in the "best friend"ships that I've had throughout my life, but what is the solution? What is the compromise? How do we find a common ground between two people who are fortunate enough to be closer than sisters but handle conflicts so ineffectively? It is neither friend's fault. It seems that this role playing game is some sort of naturally occurring order. Who knows why, and who knows how, but as girls, catty as we are, we should realize how fortunate we are when we find a person compatible enough with us to be considered our "best friend".
Like any good Discovery Channel documentary, I have no conclusion or solution to this problem, but I'm posting this purely as food for thought in the hopes that someone somewhere will experience an epiphany (or a "light [shining down] from...somewhere" as Obama put it when telling people that voting for him would be a divine epiphany) and share the wonderful solution with the rest of us. Maybe then we'll be one step closer to world peace! There's incentive for you! :)
See, it's been my personal experience as well as my observation of others that these two people eventually fall into two very specific roles themselves: the leader, and the follower. The astounding part is that these two individuals can be extraordinarily independent and defined people in any situation until a conflict with their "best friend" counterpart occurs. In such a situation, a status quot that was devised somewhere near the beginning of the friendship is put into effect, and one friend releases their frustration while the other makes a feeble attempt to argue their point, eventually giving in to avoid possible friendship-traumatizing resentment. Nothing is ever settled, and this becomes a vicious circle that has the horrible habit of leading to the eventual termination of the friendship, and not on the best of terms.
I can't be the only one to have witnessed or experienced this, and I have played both rolls in the "best friend"ships that I've had throughout my life, but what is the solution? What is the compromise? How do we find a common ground between two people who are fortunate enough to be closer than sisters but handle conflicts so ineffectively? It is neither friend's fault. It seems that this role playing game is some sort of naturally occurring order. Who knows why, and who knows how, but as girls, catty as we are, we should realize how fortunate we are when we find a person compatible enough with us to be considered our "best friend".
Like any good Discovery Channel documentary, I have no conclusion or solution to this problem, but I'm posting this purely as food for thought in the hopes that someone somewhere will experience an epiphany (or a "light [shining down] from...somewhere" as Obama put it when telling people that voting for him would be a divine epiphany) and share the wonderful solution with the rest of us. Maybe then we'll be one step closer to world peace! There's incentive for you! :)
Monday, March 8, 2010
An attempt to remedy prejudice...or at least address it. Wish me luck...
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Truth is, there haven't been many blog-worthy moments recently, save one idea that I've been mulling over for months. Now, I'm going to try to keep this one short as it is a subject that I think might get some people heated towards me, but understand that I'm not in any way prejudice in either direction. Honestly, I'm not. This is directed to everyone. So let me begin convincing you by addressing my own ethnicity first.
Dear Caucasians,
Please, stop being discriminatory towards people who happen to be of a separate ethnicity than your own. If you must judge someone, do it based on their personality and how they treat others, not by what color their skin is because no two people are the same. Your best friend could be more tan, more pale, or a completely different color than you are, and you may just completely overlook them because you're too busy judging based on the appearances that they can't and very well shouldn't be expected to change.
Dear Members of Other Diversities,
I respect you all. I accept that you are not all part of the group of people who may have given your ethnicity a less-than-praised reputation, just like members of the Caucasian ethnicity ruin the name for people of my own color (I'm so pale, I could never attempt to hide my race). I also would like to thank you for being kind and good people who make excellent friends and fantastic Americans (British citizens, Frenchmen, etc...).
Thank you all, Caucasians, Asians, Hispanics, African Americans, etc. for not allowing society to define you and your perspectives of the general populace, whatever color they may be.
To Those Who Harbor Inner Prejudices,
I understand that we only hear the bad views about people in the news and gossip these days. I understand that we are more prone to seeing differences in people when they have done something taboo or unorthodox and consequently stand out in a negative light. I understand, but I ask you to understand that it is not just African Americans, Hispanics, Caucasians, Asians, or anyone but people of your color that act out in society and catch the tainted spotlight. Everyone has done something they are not proud of, and most people have at least one moment where they've shined. There is no difference between us. We are all Homo sapiens--same genus, same species. There used to be separate species of human, if you recall, Neanderthals and others, but our species was the one that was strong enough to survive, and, believe me, friend, we did not survive independently. We need each other. If we didn't, natural selection or God or something would have arranged the planet in some other way, but none of them did.
So let's do what we were ordained to by whatever faith you choose to believe in. Let's just coexist as nature, God, or anything that had an influence on our development on this Earth has intended. You can't argue that we aren't where we are. Whatever got us here in your opinion had a method behind its madness. I think it's about time we stopped assuming that we, the "knowing men," as our species name implies, know everything about everything that has ever happened or ever will. We are lucky to be here. We are blessed to be here. Either way, we are here for a reason, and holding ourselves back with prejudices in any direction is useless and counter-productive to a world of people who so deeply values progress. Let's take another giant leap for mankind and start loving mankind. :)
Dear Caucasians,
Please, stop being discriminatory towards people who happen to be of a separate ethnicity than your own. If you must judge someone, do it based on their personality and how they treat others, not by what color their skin is because no two people are the same. Your best friend could be more tan, more pale, or a completely different color than you are, and you may just completely overlook them because you're too busy judging based on the appearances that they can't and very well shouldn't be expected to change.
Dear Members of Other Diversities,
I respect you all. I accept that you are not all part of the group of people who may have given your ethnicity a less-than-praised reputation, just like members of the Caucasian ethnicity ruin the name for people of my own color (I'm so pale, I could never attempt to hide my race). I also would like to thank you for being kind and good people who make excellent friends and fantastic Americans (British citizens, Frenchmen, etc...).
Thank you all, Caucasians, Asians, Hispanics, African Americans, etc. for not allowing society to define you and your perspectives of the general populace, whatever color they may be.
To Those Who Harbor Inner Prejudices,
I understand that we only hear the bad views about people in the news and gossip these days. I understand that we are more prone to seeing differences in people when they have done something taboo or unorthodox and consequently stand out in a negative light. I understand, but I ask you to understand that it is not just African Americans, Hispanics, Caucasians, Asians, or anyone but people of your color that act out in society and catch the tainted spotlight. Everyone has done something they are not proud of, and most people have at least one moment where they've shined. There is no difference between us. We are all Homo sapiens--same genus, same species. There used to be separate species of human, if you recall, Neanderthals and others, but our species was the one that was strong enough to survive, and, believe me, friend, we did not survive independently. We need each other. If we didn't, natural selection or God or something would have arranged the planet in some other way, but none of them did.
So let's do what we were ordained to by whatever faith you choose to believe in. Let's just coexist as nature, God, or anything that had an influence on our development on this Earth has intended. You can't argue that we aren't where we are. Whatever got us here in your opinion had a method behind its madness. I think it's about time we stopped assuming that we, the "knowing men," as our species name implies, know everything about everything that has ever happened or ever will. We are lucky to be here. We are blessed to be here. Either way, we are here for a reason, and holding ourselves back with prejudices in any direction is useless and counter-productive to a world of people who so deeply values progress. Let's take another giant leap for mankind and start loving mankind. :)
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Redefining Nightmares
When I was younger, I had some frequent nightmares, as we all do. They frightened me so much that I would sail out of bed and dash down the hall in tears to wake my parents, regardless of what time it was. As I got older, of course, I was able to contain myself to hyperventilating and pulling the blankets up to my chin, and eventually I would just roll over and fall back to sleep, unless it was one of those pesky dreams that picked up right where it left off as soon as I was unconscious again, but I haven't had a single nightmare in a very long time. I rarely sleep deeply enough to dream these days, however, since I caught a cold and began taking the uber-wonderful NyQuil, I've been sleeping like a dream and having them much more often.
For the past week, every dream I can remember has been a nightmare, but I'm fascinated with how differently they've been playing out. Last night for instance, I had a dream in which my dad (for some unknown reason that will never be necessary in real life, let me assure you right now) was remarried to a woman with a son and two daughters. This is not the nightmare part, though suddenly not having my own mom and brother is a terrifying thought. No, the nightmare part was the psycho killer that managed to get into our house at night and was doing the usual psycho-killer thing--I'll let you refer to your favorite horror flick for the details--and horribly injured the step family, but at some point--I'm not sure which one of us did it--Dad or I or both of us disposed of the maniac. The family ended up fine, and I apparently thought the psycho was possessed and insisted the police not cremate him (wow, I know...). I woke up to my alarm this morning with a decently violent jolt and did begin hyperventilating a bit...until I realized I was safe in my dorm room and how my dad and I had TOTALLY just taken out a psychotic murderer. Then it was one of the coolest dreams ever, and I was quite proud of myself.
I haven't had a nightmare recently that I could truthfully say is a nightmare because in each and every one I, along with whoever else is with me in the dream have overcome every nightmare player. I don't know how this has happened, or why I get to be a hero in my dreams when I hardly ever was before, but I kind of like it, and if I have a nightmare from now on, I hope I continue to kick butt. Also, if something like this, God forbid, should ever happen in real life, I truly hope I'll have the same courage I manage to muster up in my dreams so I can help take care of that, too. After all, I am CPR and First Aide certified now...
Here's to all of us finding the courage do to what is necessary both in dreams and, eventually, in life! Be safe though, would you? :)
For the past week, every dream I can remember has been a nightmare, but I'm fascinated with how differently they've been playing out. Last night for instance, I had a dream in which my dad (for some unknown reason that will never be necessary in real life, let me assure you right now) was remarried to a woman with a son and two daughters. This is not the nightmare part, though suddenly not having my own mom and brother is a terrifying thought. No, the nightmare part was the psycho killer that managed to get into our house at night and was doing the usual psycho-killer thing--I'll let you refer to your favorite horror flick for the details--and horribly injured the step family, but at some point--I'm not sure which one of us did it--Dad or I or both of us disposed of the maniac. The family ended up fine, and I apparently thought the psycho was possessed and insisted the police not cremate him (wow, I know...). I woke up to my alarm this morning with a decently violent jolt and did begin hyperventilating a bit...until I realized I was safe in my dorm room and how my dad and I had TOTALLY just taken out a psychotic murderer. Then it was one of the coolest dreams ever, and I was quite proud of myself.
I haven't had a nightmare recently that I could truthfully say is a nightmare because in each and every one I, along with whoever else is with me in the dream have overcome every nightmare player. I don't know how this has happened, or why I get to be a hero in my dreams when I hardly ever was before, but I kind of like it, and if I have a nightmare from now on, I hope I continue to kick butt. Also, if something like this, God forbid, should ever happen in real life, I truly hope I'll have the same courage I manage to muster up in my dreams so I can help take care of that, too. After all, I am CPR and First Aide certified now...
Here's to all of us finding the courage do to what is necessary both in dreams and, eventually, in life! Be safe though, would you? :)
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